Remember that one time on the bus? It was our week trapped in Jogja. We couldn't find a way to evacuate ourselves from the city being ambushed by Merapi's eruption. We stayed up the night before, remember? I woke up and made you wake up, too. We were holding hands when we heard the tremor, remember? You promised me that we would find a way to get out by morning. You thought that I was scared. I wasn't. You didn't know that.
I remember we took that bus the next day, our desperate attempt to get to the station. No taxis were to be seen...or called. No one wanted to go on our neighborhood. 'Too dangerous', they said. So, you took my bag and held my hand and pushed me to get into the bus. You kept telling me, 'Everything's going to be fine'. Remember?
The bus was filled with ashes and we used our masks. We couldn't see anything more than 5 metres ahead. It was as if we were surrounded by this white cloud. You hugged me, remember? 'Things will be alright', you said. We saw a baby without a mask. You gave her yours. Only your eyes were perfectly covered from the ashes under your sunglasses afterward. It did make me laugh hard on the station.
It was that bus. It was that day. Remember? It was the last time I saw you. At least the you I knew that day. I knew you had to go. To her. I understood. I always understand.

One thing? I think I know my one thing I just learned recently.That one thing is letting go. Letting go all the negative emotions and tell myself I should just move on with whatever I have.

Three months ago, my father was diagnosed cancer. Lung cancer to be exact. It was a huge surprise. I spent one week tried to calm myself down, thinking that it wasn't true. Until I realized that it really happened. My father is not a smoker, which made me think how unfair the situation was. Then I blamed God for this. Oh, how so unreligious I was...and because of what I said my boyfriend decided to break up with me. I was devastated. Especially because at the time I was doing my thesis. Can't it be worse?

Then I ran into some self-help books, psychological and new-age books about meditation and positive feeling. I was hellped, a bit. Until I finally realized that I should try to be relax. God is still there and God is kind. God has a plan for me. Whatever that is. I started to realize that though it might have seemed shitty for me, things will change. As a wise saying I once heard from My Best Friend's Wedding, 'This too shall pass'.

Like magic, afterward, I felt like God sent me signs everywhere to keep my head up and to believe. However, one week ago, letting go is the lesson God gave me. As I was driving, this has always been my way to feel relax, I was strucked by an idea that I can just let go off all my burdens and let the angels carry them for me for a while. There is nothing I should be afraid of, because God is watching my back. I also learn that although it's really hard to love seomeone and doesn't expect anything in return from that person, I finally made it. I decided, although my ex has hurt my feeling over and again, to forgive him, just by letting go. Not knowing. Not counting. Not trying to make it even. I also realized that although he might not love me anymore, but love does't have to reciprocate. I can just go on and love him and don't expect anything. From now on, I can just let go. Feel free to love him and yet don't get hurt anymore.