Jason Shellen - Plinky Answers

I'd pick the Air Force

2009-09-14T13:45:26-06:00

Not that I have the eyes for this work, but flying multi-million dollar jets in service to our country sounds like fun. I would also volunteer for whatever branch gets to test the new Iron Man suit I keep hearing about.

I could do without smell for a year

2009-07-30T14:49:09-06:00

Working in downtown San Francisco gives one the opportunity to interact with humanity at closer than necessary proximity at times. Not to mention the amount of people who use the street as a porta-potty. I'm good without smell for a year. Maybe on a trial basis we could start with a month at a time.

If I had to, I'd spend a week in a treehouse

2009-07-07T16:56:38-06:00

When I was little I used to love climbing up a eucalyptus tree in our backyard. I was forbidden (with good reason) from turning it into a real tree house, but I used to take my AM radio up there and pretend I was in my own little world. I'm sure there would be some danger in being exposed to the elements, but tents always get sticky and gross and an underground bunker is usually reserved for prisoners, mad men or people with guns so I'm going to hold off on that one for as long as possible.

Top Ramen = You're broke

2009-05-04T12:39:30-06:00

College was a time of experimentation. What happens if I drink this? What happens if I quit my job? What will happen if I don't pay this bill? What can I buy with the change I found in the lint trap of the dryer? What food can be made in under a minute?

Home - Lunch

Top Ramen was my go-to broke meal in college. While I still love a piping hot cup of noodles, usually pho, I don't dare revisit Top Ramen. It got me through the tough times but I think I burned my tongue enough times to discourage me from trying again. Top Ramen, I'll see and your shrimp flavor packets in hell.

A haiku about Can't Buy Me Love

2009-04-09T17:23:38-06:00

Important lessons
Do not grow up in Tucson
Wine and suede don't mix

Zombie Cousteau?

2009-03-26T15:48:33-06:00

I've spent the better part of my life avoiding just this question. Who wants to think about Zombies? I have to believe that they have horrible morning breath not to mention if they are Joss Whedon-style space zombies then they also will want to do worse things than just the brain eating. Yuck.

If watching "I Am Legend" has taught us anything it's that Zombies aren't fond of light so I'm thinking some good powerful round the clock halogen work lamps would be on the "to purchase" list for staving them off short term.

On the other hand, maybe zombies are misunderstood. They are technically dead, but they would probably rather be dead than out wreaking havoc in the world. Maybe they need someone to listen. Everyone always wants to put a shotgun shell through them but that rarely helps matters as zombies are hardly ever alone. What to do?

Every solution I can come up with still involves being around zombies in some way shape or form which sounds terrible, with their dripping flesh and rotting carcasses. Maybe the way to go would be to get one of those good "Abyss"-style diving rigs that is planted deep on the ocean floor. Zombies don't strike me as being the ocean going type and we have enough oxygen for years. Bite my hard metal oxygen cointainers, zombies!

'Born Standing Up' will make you LOL, mostly

2009-03-18T20:03:58-06:00

This is the story of Steve Martin's early career trying to first make it as a magician's assistant, comic writer and later a stand-up comic. It's a quick read and as a long time fan was a fun story to follow. He ends the book before he goes into his time as an actor so you don't get to hear what happens next, I hope he's working on a follow up.

It's Steve Martin so it's bound to be funny - but in between the struggle to succeed you are let in on how he came to grasp the absurd in everyday life and worked it into his "Wild and Crazy Guy" persona. Sometimes bittersweet and difficult, particularly his depiction of his father and other familial relationships, it's still full of so much heart and energy that I would recommend it to anyone who needs a good laugh.

My money's on the shark

2009-03-09T12:24:34-06:00

Ok, I admit it - I wrote this one. Cruelty to animals you say? I say this is nature, have you ever watched Planet Earth? This could happen people and it's time to pick a side.

The type of shark doesn't matter Great White, Nurse, tiger they are all bad to the bone. Have you ever seen those multiple rows of teeth? Dangerous!

Sure on dry-land with one arm tied behind it's back a bear should have the upper hand but sharks are tenacious. Bears eat garbage. I've never found a shark nosing through someones leftovers it is a predator. Get some self respect bears.

I imagine that this fight takes place in some sort of shallow water area. Enough room for the shark to move around but not so deep that the beer is unable to stand.

I see it going 3 rounds with the winner being the shark being ultimately victorious. Let's get Michael Buffer to do the intros while we are at it.

Our Lady of the Perpetual Army barracks

2009-03-03T23:36:35-06:00

I really can't or shouldn't complain. I have a nice house, perhaps nicer than I ever thought I would be in however, since you asked...

The location of Pleasanton is great. It's literally a pleasant town. Part of the town is still in black and white but there are splotches of color springing up.

It's not the town or state that bothers me, it's the actual proximity to a green-domed tent church that I wouldn't mind being a little further from. When we moved in we were told that a church would be built next door as well as a pre-school. Fine, no problems with that. A church is only busy one day a week and the pre-schoolers haven't made a peep, but... the church itself wasn't completed when we moved in. When they poured the foundation it looked normal, when they started putting up steel girders I didn't think too much but when they started draping green vinyl over the girders - I knew something was up. Imagine an emergency Army field medical center and you'll get the vibe.

It turns out the church hadn't actually raised the money for a permanent structure, so they were going to put up a simple structure for anywhere from 5 to 10 years while they raised funds. It's not too bad actually but some of our neighbors hit the roof and tried to have them put up huge trees to block the hideous monstrosity. In the end, they offered to put some nice redwood trees in our front yard and we accepted.

I take it all back, I'm happy to be here.

Halloween brings out the handy in me

2009-03-03T12:23:06-06:00

Though I was hopeful that handiness was genetically passed down and not something you had to work hard at, most of my handiness is with a computer, not a hammer or wrench. I would say I'm about average in the handy department. In college I had a brief as a bike assembler/repair dude at a bike shop. However, adding training wheels to a pink bike with 10" wheels does not prove ones handiness.

I've painted walls, bikes, baby furniture, canvases, and myself here and there. The last thing I can remember building with my own two hands that I was proud of, was a Halloween costume for my son Drew. I took a plastic garbage can, cut holes out for his head and arms. Then I attached plastic accordion dryer vent tubing for his arms and attached random looking knobs and lights on the front. It looked pretty good and to this day he's excellent at The Robot.

A Streetcar named Scandal

2009-02-22T17:53:37-06:00

It seems like most of modern life would be better served if we hadn't all bought cars and committed to a world where suburbia means disconnecting from village life. Streetcars, named Desire or otherwise, were widely on their way to prominence in cities all over the US from Detroit to Oakland, Los Angeles and of course San Francisco had trolleys. Instead of proceeding with the natural flow of things General Motors, Firestone, Mack, Standard Oil and others bought up 100 of these lines in 45 cities (!!!) and abandoned or tore them down, forcing people to find alternate ways to travel such as diesel buses or via car. In retrospect it was deemed an illegal scandal and they were tried under the Sherman Anti-trust Act but the outcome didn't really matter and nothing was done to right any wrongs. There is more about the streetcar scandal on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_American_streetcar_scandal

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good car, drive or trip to the gas station as much as the next guy - maybe more but I wish streetcars weren't obsolete. It might be too late for the street car but I wouldn't mind catching a trolley to the center of town to do a little shopping just like in yester-year. Clean, efficient electric power instead of dirty buses would be nice not to mention potentially less cars on the road to reduce congestion. Next time America, let's not screw it up when we have a chance to do that.

Let's grab a beer at The Round Up in Lafayette!

2009-02-19T16:44:21-06:00

The Round Up is a saloon near our office in Lafayette. If you swing by near quittin' time chances are I'll buy you a beer here.

It's not a fantastic place to chat. The Round Up is more a "holler over your beer" kind of place. They have shuffleboard, pool tables, even a couple of video game machines in the back. TV screens often have sports games on in the background.

I went to college nearby and it used to be a little run down place to drink. Now I'm not in college anymore and they have wifi. Pretty sure that's the only change. I don't think they accept credit cards or attitude so be cool.

Sixth Grade Science Camp really chapped my hide

2009-02-18T19:42:50-06:00

The highlight of every sixth graders life at our elementary school in Fremont, CA was to go to Science Camp in the Santa Cruz Mountains in early Spring. Hikes, banana slugs, sleeping in bunk beds, s'mores and a trip to the beach. I seem to remember a few cannonballs into the pool near the cabins as well.

Pure bliss, until one night after hitting the showers after a particularly science and action filled day I went to get warm by one of the heaters in our cabin. These were old cabins with old technology to keep them warm. Smart as I was, I backed up to one of these ancient wall heaters with my towel in front of me and naked as a jaybird. What happened next was not elegant or graceful, but I accidentally branded my 11-year old butt on the grille of that heater! I hopped around the room, dropped my towel and generally wished I hadn't been so eager to get warm.

My cabin mates laughed at me but the most embarrassing part was that my counselor told my teacher. The (male) teacher of course inspected my rear-end and declared me fit for the rest of camp, however I had a grilled heiny as souvenir from camp.

I would have settled for a dream catcher.

Who's stressed? Are you going to eat that?

2009-02-18T01:37:41-06:00

Stress eat? Me? Please.

Ok, maybe every once in a while. Running a company isn't at all stressful despite what you may have heard. Yep, totally smooth sailing, no reason to eat a few cookies now and again with super-wussy names like "Snickerdoodle" or "Semi-sweet chocolate chunk".

Nope, not me.

The doctor ordered "Back to the Future II" and bedrest

2009-02-11T23:33:36-06:00

I've been sick with a cold. Not any cold, but some super human cold to end all colds. I'm finally feeling better and I've ingested my share of ibuprofen, Sudafed, codeine cough syrup, Tylenol PM, pho, hot tea, home-made soup (thanks Allie), but mostly a bunch of movies. My eyes have been hurting so a lot of the time I just listened to the movies.

Since last Friday I've re-watched (or listened to): Mission Impossible 3, Wedding Crashers, Singles, Batman Begins and watched for the first time: Hitch, Step Brothers, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist. The re-watches were all good to great, the first timers - almost every last one of them horrible. I've learned that when you are sick, go with what you know.

Sequels in general make for great movie watching when you are sick, because plot details don't matter as much and the fact that it's not as good as the original won't matter as much. Plus you have probably already seen it a few times so you can doze off for periods of time and the story still makes sense.

I recommend Back to the Future II or BTTF II as we true fans call it. It's not as good as the first but definitely better than the old West flying train piece of junk that came out after it. Lot's of Biff getting his just desserts and Marty's girlfriend gets upgraded from nameless actress to Elisabeth Shue between BTTF 1 and 2. Not bad! Other things to love about this one mainly appear in the future, Nike self-lacing shoes, Mattel Hover Boards, hover cars, 3-D advertising and a fax machine in every room of the home.

For my money what's better than a movie about the future when being sick essentially puts you in a wormhole to next week anyway.

Try to avoid tense movies like MI3 or The Dark Night, I learned my lesson the hard way. Other recommended sequels would include: Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi.

Roads? Where you're going you don't need roads... Motrin maybe but no roads.

America needs Jon Stewart

2009-02-03T10:30:57-06:00

President Obama has had his chance at picking a Cabinet and he's done a fine job so far. It's hard to pick from a crop of only real human beings so any fictitious characters are noted with an asterisk, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be great.

Jon Stewart
Secretary of State

Now maybe this one is too easy, but he does have a great sense of what's askew in America and could deliver bad news with a humorous delivery. Also his Bush impression kills me.

Clair Huxtable*
Attorney General

You remember Clair? She was the Mom on The Cosby Show but she was also a whip smart lawyer. Do you think she would let any of this crazy "Is it torture? It's not torture" stuff slide? Would there be any doubt that she would get to the bottom of who leaked an American spies name to the press? When Theo and Walter decide to listen to a recording of "Macbeth" instead of reading the book, who would set them straight? Clair Huxtable that's who.

Gavin Newsom
Secretary of Looking Fabulous

Currently Mayor of SF but that head of hair is too good to waste on one city. If there were any younger Kennedy men around that wanted anything to do with politics then Gavin might have competition. This does require creating a Department of Looking Fabulous, but with the success of all these make-over shows - I think America could get behind it.

Tina Fey
Chief of Staff

Smart, known for keeping her co-workers productive and funny. Is there anything she can't do? I think she would also be motivated to make sure she never needs to resurrect the Palin impersonation.

Iron Man / Tony Stark *
Secretary of Defense.

Technically I don't think the Iron Man suit would fit into a Hermann Miller chair in the briefing room. Of course this is America and we could probably get a government contractor to whip something up to the tune of $500K that would work for Tony/IronMan to use while be-suited. On second thought, let's just make him stand at meetings.

If I had easy access to a helicopter, I'd fly to sunny La Jolla this weekend

2009-01-30T18:22:23-06:00

Disclaimer: I'm not setting foot inside a real helicopter anytime soon, in fact my parents got back from Hawaii a few years back and told me they had a tour of a volcano from a helicopter and I looked at them like they had two heads. Didn't anyone see the Day After Tomorrow or Black Hawk Down. Danger-ous! However, I will suspend my fear for a moment and indulge in a little fantasy weekend getaway.

La Jolla is pretty and warm. When Northern California is cold and gusty, this nice little burg outside San Diego is still sunny. I would love a flyover of the canyons around the area and maybe check out all the little nooks and crannies on the coastline.

I would stay at the Grande Colonial on the main drag, Prospect Drive in La Jolla. A perfect little pool for the kids to splash around in and a fantastic ocean view with a sea breeze. Not the drink that some people call a Cape Cod (though I'll take one if you are asking) but a nice salty breath of fresh air. Highly recommended.

Truthfully, I would love to go to Europe but I don't think a chopper flight over the Atlantic is anything I ever want to endure.

How I'd spend $1,000. Let me count the ways...

2009-01-28T20:10:41-06:00

I'm going to go with the "guilt-free" $1000 option, meaning I will assume I can't donate it to charity or buy all homeless people in my municipality a burger. No, I'll have to get creative if I hope to spend this $1000. Here are a few options:

1. The splurge: A new electric guitar. I was planning on something in the $500 range but hell, let's get the version with the flames and gold humbuckers.

2. The practical: We really need to seal our countertops. No kidding, that's a thing that grown up adult humans need to worry about, I am told. I did this a few years back and the chemicals I used may have taken a few points off my IQ. I am hiring a team of folks the next time around. Hopefully they have hazmat suits or something.

3. The gift that keeps on giving: A weekend getaway for Allison and I. Oh wine country I can hear your siren song, but not the voices of children.

Sad that number 2 is the most likely.

Who would make a better pet: Dolphin vs. wolf

2009-01-25T17:58:55-06:00

I feel limited by the amount of space in my backyard for anything truly cool like an elephant or a lion. However, I feel like I have to pass on the purely cute animals like a koala bear or Keira Knightly and go for something useful. I think it's between a wolf or a dolphin. Let's break it down.

Dolphin Jumping in Wake

Wolf - Pros: With the wolf you get everything you would in a dog, plus if you don't like your neighbors you could send the wolf to take care of matters. Nothing stops a rowdy party like a hungry wolf. Cons: Messy legal situation. Messy dog run situation if the wolf brings prey back home. Would need to set clear family, friend boundaries with wolf.

Dolphin - Pros: This is a tough one because I'm not a fan of dolphins in a tank. Part of me died a little after seeing dolphins at an animal park once. I'm used to seeing them swim free in the Pacific while I've been surfing. I'm thinking of more like a pal to hang out with sort of situation with the dolphin. Perhaps help keep an eye out for sharks while surfing. Give rides to my kids while we're at the beach. Cons: Can only visit when we are near the ocean. Unsure of dolphin leash laws.

I think the dolphin wins by a nose mainly based on the likelihood of being charged with manslaughter with owning a wolf.

My hip-hop posse would include Zach Galifianakis

2009-01-23T12:19:52-06:00

My sons Drew and Miles and Allison are my real posse but if I were a famous rapper with loads of spare time to terrorize restaurants and act badly at retail clothing stores this would be the crew to hit the town with.

Zach Galifianakis
Every posse needs someone making the boss laugh. Have you seen the Kanye West video for "Can't Tell Me Nothing?" with Zach? The guy is all hip hop.

Mike "Money" Brandt
Aside from every crew needing a "Mike" (get one if you don't have one), he's got mad b-boy skillz from the early 90's. An old friend from back in the day on the mean streets of Fremont, CA. Former-basketball player, perfect for all occasions.

Taylor "Lil Bro" Shellen
Isn't there some sort of law that every posse needs a least one sibling? Plus Taylor is in better shape than I and could escort haters to the door. I think anything past 3 in a posse starts to get weird so I think that's the list.

When I get home, I kick my shoes off

2009-01-22T20:51:32-06:00

If I had to wear a tie to work I could see making some more drastic changes when I get home from work. Kicking off my shoes usually does the trick.

My first job: Stock boy

2008-11-26T00:33:15-06:00

Outside of babysitting and mowing lawns, my first job with an actual paycheck was working for a home store called "Home Express". They sold things like bedding, plates, futons and had an electronics section that was my main draw in working there. They sold lots of trendy 80's items like those lamps that looked like an electrical storm was happening inside, the original Gameboy, and novelty phones (I had one that looked like a British phone booth - Worst. Phone. Ever.)

I joined Home Express as a stock associate. I think I made $4.35 an hour. I remember being excited that I made a whole dime over minimum wage. Plus I got to carry a box cutter! I was 16 and about to become a Senior in high school and I hated that job. The job of stock associate was essentially a slave-like position that entitled getting anything and everything out from the basement store room. Armload of comforters? Send the stock boy! Elevator for large items broken? Send the stock boy to lug a futon up two flights of stairs! Little kid pooped the floor? You guessed it, send the stock boy to clean it up with an old mangy mop.

I lasted the whole summer but quit when school started. I am pretty sure that job is responsible for a hip injury that kept me from running the last few decades. The experience did encourage me to get closer to the money - I signed on as a cashier there during the holiday rush. Sadly, Home Express is no longer in business, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't my fault.

My kryptonite: Donuts

2008-11-25T00:52:17-06:00

I think Dad was responsible back when he took me to a Winchell's donuts in Fremont, CA when I was a wee-lad. I wish I could quit you!

Three overplayed songs I love anyway

2008-11-25T00:45:15-06:00

Song 2 by Blur

Maybe not as much anymore, but this song seemed to be a summer staple on rock radio. You can't help but join in on the 'woo-hoo!' portion. Good clean fun.

Umbrella by Rihanna

You've got Rihanna and Jay-Z, what's not to love? Seriously though I perhaps didn't need to buy this album it's constantly on the radio.

Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Hey, hey, you, you! Girl power. I'm 35, this song really needs to get out of my system, yet I can't turn it off when it comes up on iTunes... I mean "the radio".