I was still in undergrad. I think it must have been senior year - possibly junior, but I remember this dream event fairly well, which leads me to believe it's more recent than junior year. My short term memory ain't what she used to be (also thanks to senior year in undergrad...and the four years that followed).

I woke up slowly, like I usually do, but this morning I remember feeling particularly foggy. Something from my dream still had a hold of me and I couldn't shake it off; neither could I recall the dream that wouldn't let me go. I felt sad and nostalgic for something I couldn't remember. My heart was as full and heavy as my mind was foggy. Even though I couldn't mentally recall the dream images, I felt emotionally raw with so many things trying to break through the surface of my subconscious that I almost couldn't open my eyes. It was the oddest mix of emotions I've ever woken up with: sadness, anger, and loss; comfort, contentment, and peace.

I eventually gave up on trying to force the dream to resurface and got out of bed. I made coffee, showered, and sat down to check my email, all while trying to shake myself free of the dream that wasn't there. But then, without any external trigger at all, it came flooding back. In an instant I remembered everything, and looking back on that moment now I can still feel - physically feel - the way my blood rushed to my heart and head and breathing became difficult.

I dreamed I was in love, and he left me.

We were in a car traveling late at night. I was driving one-handed because he had hold of my right arm, was curled around it almost, and I kept glancing back at him. Every time we locked eyes I marveled at how much I loved him and how lucky I was to have found him. The sensation of his skin on my skin, the connection I felt when I looked into his eyes, the strength of love that flowed between us was overwhelming. My heart had never felt so whole.

Yet I knew it wouldn't last. Even in the dream I was on the verge of tears because I knew that we were traveling toward the point at which he would have to leave me. Every smile that his loving gaze inspired quickly melted into a sigh because the love we felt was overwhelming only for its transience. I knew I couldn't stop driving us forward, just as I knew I couldn't stop loving him.


That's all the dream was; just an image accompanied by the strongest sleeping emotions I'd ever felt. I never saw his face clearly, I never knew where we were going or where we'd come from. All I knew, once I'd snapped myself out of my dream reverie, was that I wanted - I needed - to find a love like that in my waking life.

Be careful what you wish for. I did find that love, and he did leave me. We made that drive many times and it never got any easier. So, finally, I made the trip alone. And he left me at the end of it.

I feel like I need to start my post with a disclaimer. I am fairly movie-literate (although many of my 80's generation peers are appalled that I've never seen Back to the Future) and yes, I realize that I've picked a movie that features Matthew McConaughey in a starring role - but he's superfluous, I promise.

I haven't watched this movie in years, and I'm afraid to - it probably won't live up to my memory of it. But when I did first see it, the movie had a huge impact on me. And I don't mean that I rushed out to sign up for Space Camp or Astronomy classes; I guess it wasn't a direct impact like that. But it reawakened and reaffirmed my fascination with space, with the night sky, with wondering what is Out There. As a very secular teenager, it also helped me articulate why it was that I didn't feel my life was lacking anything even though I had no religious upbringing. I loved the urgent but respectful discussion of faith between Foster and McConaughey's characters.

What I loved most about the movie, though, was the pure joy and excitement that Foster's character had for her job, for her search. It was fueled by desperation at times, but it still always brought me to the edge of my seat. I can admit now that I was, as a young movie-goer, probably completely manipulated by the sound composer and editing team to get to that heightened state of expectation, but still. My heart starts beating a little faster every time I remember that crazy old dude asking Foster "Wanna take a ride?" when he reveals that he has also built the mysterious alien machine.

Okay, that last line there didn't do much to illustrate my point. In fact, it kinda makes the movie sound...well, super cheesy. And maybe it is. But I like cheese.